I didn’t know where else to write about this, so I guess I’ll talk about it here. Recently I’ve been realising/thinking about how much I actually love autistic special interests, and how happy they make me. Recently I gained a new special interest (hello heartstopper! I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve watched it) and let me tell you.. I am living my best life. Watching interviews with the cast, bloopers, listening to the Spotify playlist nonstop, and, of course, the seemingly endless rewatches. The happiness I feel because of my special interests is just on another level, and I swear that it’s just different than how neurotypical people experience their favourite things. It’s when I experience happiness and joy the most intensely.
Just me (hi again!)
Hello again! I’m back, with no new poem or deep thoughts, just me. Life for me has been getting back to normal, which, you could probably tell from my last post – I’ve been exceedingly happy about. I’ve just been working, getting used to having to work school holidays after having volunteered in education settings my whole adult life so far. Settling in fully, finally to our new community and home. (After moving in the middle of a pandemic! How crazy was that!) I’m grateful, so grateful that I get to be here and live close to my friends and do things like go to London, just for the day. I hope I never take the little things for granted again. They really are bigger than I realized.
A simultaneous sigh of relief
Tonight, I’m going to bed SO excited. I can’t tell you the euphoria I just had, because I don’t know about anyone else but trying to live your life, through a pandemic, especially when you’re autistic and when you’ve no idea when your country’s lockdown will ever end is hard. So I think I finally processed the fact that the British government just gave us an actual timeline. Actual dates. Yes, I’m nervous that there could be a rise in cases, and yes, the dates are ‘subject to change,’
But even having dates is like a sigh of relief.
I thrive in routine, in doing things in exactly the same way at the same time, knowing exactly when things will happen. And since the start of this lockdown, I haven’t. All I wanted was a date on which the lockdown would end.
I’m sure everyone in Britain is breathing this simultaneous sigh of relief.
I can’t wait to take my brother and sister to the zoo or to go swimming or to the cinema.
I can’t wait to eat inside of a restaurant again.
I can’t wait for a haircut!
I can’t wait for meals and cinema and shopping dates and so much more with my best friends. I want to spend so much time together that we get sick of each other! (If that was ever possible)
I can’t wait for concerts and holidays. Musicals! The moment the curtain rises.
It feels like there’s possibility now.
I’m mainly writing this for my future self, who might struggle in the waiting. Here’s what you’re waiting for.
Hang on for this last wait. (PLEASE let it be the last)
There’s so much to look forward to on the other side.
Brighter days are coming, and I believe it this time.
Distance
We’re apart so we can be together, but that doesn’t stop the ache. We try to fill the gap digitally, but isn’t that just a pale imitation? That may be so, but oh, just imagine; the celebration, the tearful reunions, talking for hours! Distance will make reunion so much sweeter.
Mess
When we moved into this house, I unpacked and put everything exactly where I wanted. My room (in my opinion) looked perfect. Today, all my furniture is moved to the middle of the room, and some of my boxes are in the hallway, because my room is being decorated.
That reminded me that things always have to look a little messy, and sometimes can get chaotic, before they can look good. I think that the situation we’re all in is like that. We’re in the middle of the mess right now, but eventually everything will look good again.
The bright side..
Two posts in one day! I just thought this would be kind of fun to write, anyway, here are some of the best things that have come out of this pandemic, in my opinion.
- Bonding as a family. I’ve loved the extra time we’ve had to do craft activities or go on walks together, I feel like lockdowns really have made our family unit stronger
- Not having to feel obligated to go to any social events – as an introvert and an autie this is definitely a good thing
- No crowds – and actually, no chance of overstimulation
- Monthly Skype sessions with my best friends
- Schitt’s Creek! (Obviously not new, but I discovered it this last month) Honestly, if you need a recommendation, trust me, you’ll love it. A new fave show that’s up there with the office and parks and rec, which I love so dearly
- Going on more walks. When I’ve managed to get myself to go on a walk I always feel 100% better afterward
- Future plans, such as a holiday with my besties and my younger sister’s wedding, that will hopefully be towards the end of the year
- My job
- A new (I think technically she’s my cousin once removed) baby second cousin
Hello again..
So, it’s been a while. I wish I could be the type of person that blogged at least every week but.. that’s just not me. And there’s now a pandemic going on, that’s a thing..
I’m now employed, though! That’s a thing I didn’t think would happen in 2020! In a crazy set of coincidences, I work for a childminder who also happens to be my new neighbour. I really enjoy it and I really love all the little ones I get to look after, so it’s pretty much perfect, honestly.
Speaking of my neighbour, my family moved! In the middle of a pandemic! We now live back in the Midlands. As much as I tried to love life up north, and loved the people we met, it feels like we’re back home. It feels so good to be here, especially as because of everything that’s going on it was a long time coming. I can’t wait for better days to be able to experience living here properly, and to be able to meet up with my best friends for sleepovers and catch ups, as they both live in the Midlands too.
I’m not exactly sure what this blog’s going to look like going forward, because firstly, I feel a lot of the time I don’t really have anything to say, and secondly, as I’m sure is true of a lot of people, dealing with this pandemic is sapping a lot of my mental energy. But I’ll drop in where I can and share positivity, whenever I may write something new, and my experience as an autistic essential worker.
Until then, wear a mask, stay safe, and keep positive. There’s always good, and there’s always magic to be found, however hard you have to look for it..
Stories
I’ve always loved stories
The way every chapter, every page, feels new and exciting
I’ve laughed, cried and fallen in love with the characters
I’ve stayed up until far too late
Fallen into the trap of just one more page
But the thing about stories is they’re never done being written
There’s always a new character
A new adventure
A twist you didn’t see coming
Endings can be rewritten
Heroes can be villains
You never know where the story is going to end
Or do you?
Time
It can creep along so slowly minutes feel like hours.
Or days can be gone in the snap of a finger.
Every day is a chance.
To rewrite.
To start again.
To do something new.
A little ASD update..
Since I’ve been diagnosed with ASD (I’m sure many people know, but just in case, autism spectrum disorder), there have been a lot of ups and downs. I still get incredibly frustrated at myself for not being able to text people and for having meltdowns. I still get frustrated that I don’t fit in and that I have a hard time and am awkward talking to people and making friends, even though I now know I’m not alone and belong to a wider community of people. I still get frustrated that things that can be so hard for me come so naturally and easily to others. That’s just my perfectionism, I think.
My anxiety, however, seems to be at an all time low and it’s not at the forefront as it once was, which I am so grateful for. Also my parents are definitely more understanding and accepting, and they have more ways to help me now, although I think there may still be more learning and growing ahead for all of us.
I feel like I talk about them a lot, but I feel I have to mention my foster siblings, our two have been so accepting, and once I told them I have Autism, they asked questions where it was appropriate and they didn’t seem to treat me any differently than before, which is all I can ask of them, and I’m proud of them for that.
Although I still don’t have a job, I do volunteer at my local nursery, and even before I was diagnosed they have been such a support and an encouragement to me. (they were one of the reasons I decided to go for assessment) Since I’ve been diagnosed, they have continued to be supportive and welcoming, and they do what they can to help.
As for me, I’m trying to embrace my Autism, and trying not to become defined by this one label, there’s so much more to me than that. I’m learning as much as I can about ASD, and trying to embrace my special interests, without feeling like I’m getting too excited or talking too much about them. I think special interests (did you know that you can have more than one and that they can change or come and go? I didn’t) are one of my favourite things about having ASD, because I’m just excited and enthusiastic about them and they make me so happy.
Meltdowns and Metaphors 